Saturday, June 20, 2009

San Francisco or bust--need gay advice...

Hey I need help from all the gays out there. I am taking my kid to the CCA in San Francisco and we need to find her a place to live. She is a 20 year old lesbian and mama wants to make sure she is safe. If anyone has a buddy we can turn to so we don't end up getting her an apartment in a bad hood PLEASE give a shout out.

She needs to share living quarters as she'll be on a very limited budget. I don't want her in a 'single white female" type situation. Thanks!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Mid-Life Already????

So I don't know what the heck is going on with me, but apparently I'm going through a crisis.

For the last few months I go through my days asking myself why. Why am I still doing this same job? Why don't I just quit and start over? I'll tell you why...I'm too old!!!

When the hell did this happen???

I feel exactly the same way I felt in the 8th grade except that I've had sex now. Otherwise I don't feel any different so why is it that every where I look I'm now the older generation.

All the actors are so young??? I went to the Dr the other day and thought "holy cow can I see your ID before you do that?!?"

I keep thinking I was supposed to do something spectacular with my life, but somehow I ended up in the corporate hamster wheel. Running and running and not getting anywhere. No wonder I'm exhausted.

I'm actually thinking about throwing it all away and hitting open mic night at the comedy club.

Maybe it's just a phase, but every day I spend more time day dreaming about finally losing it on the next freaking conference call and just yelling out loud "Do you hear yourselves?? Do you actually believe the BS you are passing off around here?? The hell with this I'm outta here???" Then reality kicks in and damn it's time to make the mortgage payment again.

So anyone else out there feeling just like let me let me have a "Hell Ya".

I'll see you at open mic night too....

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

My worldwind weekend in Chi Town

I need inspiration to pen my thoughts. Well let me tell you about the inspiring weekend I just had. I took the last flight out of KC to the Windy City. Exhausted from a week of talking head meetings I drag myself through Midway Airport follow the Baggage Claim signs to find my way.

So these signs take you to the end of the line where it's just an escalator ride down to luggage land. I hit the top of this moving staircase and my heart skippes a beat. Who do I see at the bottom of this ride but my entire reason for making this trip. My 6ft+ BFF and his 5ft nothing (but a heart and sole that is 10ft tall) lover, also my BFF!!! I feel a rush of renewed energy and wish I could run down the escalator for the big bear hugs, but the 80 year old couple that beat me to it are in my way damn it!!!

We take a slight wrong turn leaving the airport, but those of you that know Dalton understand that this is how my boy gets around. Wouldn't be a ride with my big D if you don't take a wrong turn now and again.

We get to their neighborhood around 11pm and I am mesmerized as I take a trip into a real life version of Sex in the City with Brownstones and neighborhood pubs and the train going by over my head.

They take me up the back spiral staircase to their amazing apartment and show me to my room. (Sorry Joe and Tom, but I'm taking this over a mine now!!!)

The night starts innocently enough with a pizza order for the famous Chicago pizza (or as David and I call it a freaking pizza casserole holy cow) and just a couple of drinks to relax before going to bed. So fast forward through a big bottle of rum, the remainder of an other rum bottle we found in the freezer, some vodka and 7 hours later (yes this is how I earned the Senorita Boozehound handle thank you!!!) We have laughed about old times, analyzed poor Dalton and his misplaced feelings of guilt, laughed, joked, poor David went to bed at some point, and then Dalton and I finally realize that the sun has come up. Nighty night and off to bed we go.

After a what I feel was just a catnap, we get up and head downstairs for breakfast, no lunch, no turned out to be dinner at 3pm. Lots of talk the night before about hitting the aquarium, architecture tour, the Sears Tower, German Town, Navy Pear, blah blah blah Hell no we catch a cab end up on Halstead in Boys Town. Woo Hoo yea baby this is where I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not a tourist type "show my your galleries and museum"...Nope, I want to see the real city. Any boy did I...

First stop the gay sports bar. Cool place, bet it gets crazy during super bowl Sunday. However, it is the only sports bar I've ever been in where the games on the tube but the sound systems is cranking out Madonna and Cher. Go figure I forgot where I was...

Next stop - Charlies the home of the Dart Team. I was introduced to text to screen where you can hit on or fight with other patrons in the bar in front of everyone. We can also harass the boys when they play darts just by sending a text. Don't worry I picked up a card with the #. This is also where I first noticed the fish bowls at the exit/entrance to every bar in Boys Town filled with FREE condoms. I have my Safe Sex Chicago condom souvenir. (And you guys were so worried that I didn't pick out a T-shirt. Please this is so much better.)

Next stop - the leather bar and our celebrating bar tender. I was extremely concerned that this poor guys was either going to fall over passed out and hurt himself or toss his cookies all over the bar. One shot to many for our new college graduate. That being said after many tries for him to get the order correctly...3 beers and 1 rum and diet no freaking lime already!!! I was quite happy I offered to pay this round when he charged me only $10. He was way beyond doing the math and didn't give a crap since it was his last week on the job anyway. LOL

Next stop - Mr Jims I think. Cute place, nice artwork, "ladies" room smells like pee...Ugh!! You guys really need to work on your aim!!

Next stop - Now Dalton tried to get us to stop for dinner, but oh hell now we're on a mission now. So we went to Bucks to sit on the patio and have a smoke or two with our cocktails. 5 minutes in the joint we aren't even outside yet and the first party foul of a spilled shot has occurred. You can tell where things are going now. It's all good. David dried off nicely in the patio. Ah the patio...Utopia for the smoking drinker. This place was great and BTW the bathroom in this place smelled of vanilla and only vanilla. So at bucks I get to meet Ralph and Darkness. 2 of the most unforgettable characters. Ralph, part Puerto Rican and part I didn't catch it, is fabulous and quick with the one liners. Darkness ( a great big Black man who I couldn't believe my friend were calling Darkness behind his back until he called himself that) is very open and honest about what he thinks and how he's feeling. He thought I was Greek so before I knew it I am the Feta Latina. Now here is the problem when you're having fun with these kind of instigators which takes us to our last stop on the Boys Town tour...

Final stop - The Lighthouse or maybe the Horseshoe, or whatever I was drunk by this time so I don't remember the name. Here is where you find the tragic strippers. 6ft 87 lbs soaking wet, bones sticking out from in between the cigarette burns and track marks. So much so that you want to take them all out for French Fries. However, even in this den of ick and yuck I did find an entertainer who ended up with my $5 where the sun doesn't shine...:-)

We say our goodbyes and head out...or so I thought. Ralph had dissappeared and said goodbye inside and then all of a sudden while we were having a smoke outside before hailing a cab he appears again. A big smile on his face and that look of "what's next kids". Some how from somewhere down deep inside I had a moment of clarity.

The bars in this town stay open until 5am and I knew we were heading for trouble so I say to myself "girl get the hell out of here or you know we are heading back to Charlie's until they kick us out at sunrise." With this as my primary thought I go to hail a cab. I dash into the street and head towards the first one I see, but damn it there is already someone in there. Deciding I wasn't steady enough on my feet to wrestler her out of the cab. Now I cross into the next lane of oncoming traffic and scare the crap out of some poor Hindu cabbie who was either really for hire or just too afraid to tell me no.

Off we go to the apartment then decide we better get something to eat so time to walk another block or 2 (like the cab couldn't have dropped us off there!!!!) to a little diner type eatery. Now I make this walking reference, because I got the name Senority Boozehound as a marathon drinker not a marathon runner...but when in Rome try to keep up so off we go. Don't remember much of the meal except for Dalton wanting to substitute something and actually almost begging as this is a no no in this place.

Got home at 2am so really not that bad considering we stopped to eat. Once home I passed out and then it hit me. Someone make this waterbed stop moving. Wait this isn't a waterbed. Holy crap I have the spins!!! I get up to go pee and get some water however I can't get in the bathroom. Fighting and pulling on that damn door that just will not open until...I realize the freaking thing opens to the inside of the bathroom. Opps I better go back to bed.

Saturday was the day we were going to see it all...I just wanted to sleep and watch TV but Dalton has this incredible ability to wake up at the crack of dawn after a long night of drinking. He so wanted to show me his town so I really needed to get up and get going. You've gotta love someone that wants to be the city guide and such a great host.

We decide to head over to Navy Pier to eat at Bubba Gump shrimp and see the boats. (Silly boy still thought he could talk me into a boat tour.) I had a great time checking out the free shows they have going on and just people watching. So many folks form all across the world then I hear a familiar shout out "No todavia aye unchingo de jente esperado" translation "No there is still a $hitload of people waiting". I couldn't help but crack up. I still don't understand how David and I are bearly hanging on here trying to maintain when you can tell we just want to nap and then there is Dalton almost skipping, running circles around us asking OK what's next guys...who's ready for a dring?...OMG. How the hell does he do that?????

Now I say I am not a museum fan, but I have to admit some things are really cool. There was a stained glass exhibit at the pier and some of these were beautiful so we did have to stop to check these out. Then on our way out we stopped at the game store and David found the Sex in the City Trivia game.

We headed back home for a quite night of trivia. I love this show so it was on!!!! This game is a little tricky at first to figure out what the heck you need to do but once we got the hang of it what a blast. Now David and I you can tell are real fans of the show. Answering question after question and acting out certain scenes etc. Dalton on the other hand may have missed an entire season or 2 based on his answers. So you tell me how the hell did he win!!!! I still don't get it but he sure did.

Next day was a wonderful home cooked brunch feast, a little TV, then time to pack and head back to midway. WAAAAAA I don't want to go.

I had the best time and can't wait to get back. Maybe this time I'll actually make it down 3 blocks from the apartment and see German Town...They are famous for their beers right????

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Shout out from Senorita Boozehound

You know there are days when you say I'd like a drink. Then there are days when you say I could use a drink. Then there are days when you say Damn it I need a drink. However when you are in the land of manana and green freaking chiles you ( if you are me) can not have a drink. Soooo you wait until you go to TX and get together with friends to have the marathon cocktail hour.
This also happens when you go to Sin City for a national conference. Where you get together with work friends and have mulitple cocktails on the company tab. Now what you need to do is leave your phone in your hotel room.
Apparently my internal boozehound took over and I did the sipping and dialing. Apparently I called friends, co-workers, and (I found out today) my boss. Good thing is I did not leave the same message for my boss that I did for my friend in Chi town. She actually answered and told me that I was very insistant that she needed to have a drink with me. She very wisely declined and I am still employed. Wow!!! I wonder what I would have told her if she had come out for a cocktail. I guess we'll never know.
I'm waiting to hear from the Secret Service to find out what message I left for the Prez. I'm sure I called him cause I called everyone else.
Tragic yes, but sometimes you do need to blow off a little steam. I believe the steam I released could have powered a small city for one year, but I'm all better now.
Those of you celebrating 10/31 in Chi Town have fun and I'll be waiting for my drunken call back!!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Do you think my PO will be hot????

Notice to all my party friends. Take a cab fool!!!

So as it happens April 19th after a stellar tax season with over a 7% increase I went out to celebrate and play some pool with some local NM friends. After a wonderful night of some adult beverages and 4th place in the pool tournament I proceeded to give a friend a ride home.

Now if you don't know the lovely city of Albuquerque the West Mesa can be nice, but on the South side of Interstate 40 it is rough territory. Pretty much the Mexican hood one could say and Lisa lived right in the middle of this. Wouldn't you know it APD was out in full force and they selected me, yes me the one with the TX plates to pull over.

Now I don't understand these idiots that have been drinking and RUN when they see those lights. What you think you'll out run the entire squad, plus the helicopters, and the dogs. You dumb ass you!!!

But I digress...So anyway I can say from experience that I do not run. I pulled over and said "well %&*$#"!!! "Hi officer why yes I have had only about 3 beers tonight" Wrong answer!!! Do not try to make it seem like you only drank a little, because in legalize this is known as an admission of guilt. Who knew!!!

So anyway as you can imagine things went down hill from here and I ended up spending a very sleepless night in lockup with a Motley Crue to say the least. I'll save that for another blog.

So now fast forward to 5 months later when you are finally brought to trail. Now I've already spent $4000 on my attorney. (Thank god for a good year because you now know where my bonus check has gone!!) Lost my license and have a lovely NM license with "Interlock License" in big red letters across the front. I have to give my truck a blow job to start it up and while I'm driving. Seems it has already thought you might get someone else to blow before you start so it retests while you are driving!!! I also had to pay for the privilege to blow my truck and pay rent on this thing every month!!

So I have been screened by the court. Apparently I do not rate as high as Paris or Lindsey because rehab was not required according to my screening.

I have to pay court costs, the MADD victim panel next week (I can take a guest anyone want to come along), community service, DWI school, and next week I get to meet my Parole Officer.
So you think he'll be hot?? With my luck chances are it'll be a chick. And sorry all you that were saying maybe it could happened if I didn't flip to the lesbo side in the big house it just ain't gonna happen. Sorry you can all take your money off the table.

Long story short. I love you guys. Have fun!! Drink up if you want to, but call cab!!! It just isn't worth it!!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Where do I begin

So here it goes...
I had a beautiful life in Texas. Wonderful husband and two great kids.

My older one is the strongest person I know. She told me and her dad that she was gay when she was 14 and has been living her life out and proud ever since. This is not an easy thing to do when you are going to high school in the middle of the bible belt. I am so very proud of her everyday of her life.

My little one is also very strong willed. (I have no idea where she got this personality trait from...). She is going to break a lot of hearts with her "Hey if you got it flaunt it that does mean they can have it" attitude. She is very tough yet very sweet too. Always thinking about everyone else around her. That I know she gets that from her dad.

Her poor dad. I just don't know how he puts up with the 3 of us. He is one of these gentle souls. Never gets upset. If fact he never shows emotion of any kind. You'd think he would be a better poker play with that temperament.

Anyway then there is me. The wild child. My family always told me I was the blacksheep. The only one out of 6 children that did not finish college. The only one that would stand up to my mother and tell her to back off. I'm really surprised I don't have a permanant hand print across my cheek from everytime she slapped me across the face. That was my mother...hit first and ask questions later. I don't want to give the impression she was a child absurer. Don't get me wrong it's just that she and I have the same personality so it was like the clash of the titans growing up. Her job was to discipline with what ever she could get her hands on and my job was to get into trouble to give her hostility an outlet. We had the perfect partnership.

I think I'll stop for now. I have so much to say that I didn't even realize this was going to be so...well you know. If you don't have one of these you better start one.

Next time I'll go into my life and why I'm wilting...